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Here are some of my favorite jokes and funnies.  None of these will contain any strong coarse language or "adult" content.   Enjoy!

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Ladies Yearly Exam

I went to my doctor for my yearly physical, the nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.  "135 pounds" I say, she puts me on the scale and it turns out I weigh 180......  The nurse asks "what is your height?"  5'4" I say.... The nurse checks and finds that I'm only 5'1".  She then took my blood pressure and informed me that it was very high.  "Of course it's high!" I screamed, "When I came in here, I was tall and slender and now I'm short and fat!"

He put me on Prozac.........jerk.

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Bob & The Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm,

he sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V.

The 10p.m. news was coming on.  The news crew was covering

the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he will jump."

The blonde replied "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20.00 bill on the bar and said "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy

on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20.00 to

Bob saying "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the

5pm news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

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Dating In 1959

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My Living Will

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

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 You Wanna Know Why I'm Upset?

a)  You left me alone too long today?

b)  You had the NERVE to wear the socks I chew on?

c)  Whad'ya mean I CAN'T pee on the floor?

d)  And just why CAN'T I hump the cat??

e)  You're going to do WHAT with my manhood??!

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A Mom's Wisdom

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh",; it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade-true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'  The teacher paused, then asked the class,"...And what do you think that man said?  "One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy crap! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

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The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $ 50.00  "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."
 
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took
it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then said; "New house, new madam."
 
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said; "New house, new madam, new hookers."  The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments
later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said;
 
"Hi Keith."
 
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           Son-In-Law's Revenge  

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery.  She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.  One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying.  What's the matter?" her husband asked. She said "I can't believe you did this for me." Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you." But how will I ever repay you?" she asked. With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the

satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

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An Ex-Wife's Revenge

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.  He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.  She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.  When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning &mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.  Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.  Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.  Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.  The ex -wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.  She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home and would give up her settlement in exchange for getting the house back...Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...   Including the curtain rods!

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Irish Fellows

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.  "Why of course!" comes the reply.  The first man then asks "Where are you from?".  "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds "You don't say? I'm from Ireland, too!  Let's have another round to Ireland!"  "Of course!" replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.  Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are you from?"  "Dublin" comes the reply.  "I can't believe it!" says the first man, "I'm from Dublin, too!  Let's have another drink to Dublin!"  They both continue drinking.  Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks "What school did you go to?"  "St. Mary's" replied the second man, "I graduated in '62."  "This is unbelievable," the first man says, "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.  "What's been going on?"  he asks the bartender.  "Nothing much" replies the bartender.  "The O'Malley twins are drunk again....."

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Sucker

A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.  She goes over and asks him what he's drinking.  "Magic beer" he says.  She thinks he's a little crazy so she walks around the bar.  After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says "That isn't really magic beer is it?"  "Yes, I'll show you".  He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.  The lady can't believe it.  "I bet you can't do that again" she says.  He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.  She is so amazed that she says she wants a magic beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."  She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets thirty stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.  The bartender looks up at the guy and says "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"

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BBQ Definition

Now this sounds all too familiar....It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
    with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and utensils.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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Pregnancy Q & A

Q)  Should I have a baby after 35?

A)  No, 35 children is enough.

Q)  I'm 2 months pregnant now, when will my baby move?

A)  With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q)  What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A)  Childbirth

Q)  My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A)  So what's your question?

Q)  My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor but pressure, is she right?

A)  Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q)  When is the best time to get an epidural?

A)  Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q)  Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A)  Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q)  Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A)  Yes, pregnancy

Q)  Do I have to have a baby shower?

A)  Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q)  Our baby was born last week, when will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A)  When the kids are in college.

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"Quick" Funnies

1)  Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.  Stu said "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?  Leroy replied "I'm not sure, what was her maiden

name?"

2)  A little boy went up to his father and asked "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"  The father replied, "Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother because I still have mine."

3)  "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully" the Divorce Court Judge said.  "And I've decided to give your wife a week" "That's very fair your honor" the husband said, "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

4)  A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all".  "Me neither doc" said the husband "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

5)  An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."  The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

6)  Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:

(a) All the DNA is the same

(b) There are no dental records

7)  Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.  "How was he killed?" asked one detective.  "With a golf gun" the other detective replied.  "A golf gun?  What's a golf gun?"  I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

8)  This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.  Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks "How do you get into those pants?"  The young woman looks him over and replies "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

9)  Moe:  "My wife got me to believe in religion "Joe:  "Really?"  Moe:  "Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

10)  A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.  "I'm okay, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery" he answered.  "What did he say?" asked the nurse.  "OOPS!"

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Forgotten Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
(Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.)

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Morning laugh

 When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know .  I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."  I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.  When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.   One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled

that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. ? I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?"   He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"   He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.  

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?"  I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34   Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?"   He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there  to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.   I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.  

 NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!!!

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