I've
recently started dabbling in making
Outlook Express stationery, check it out!
Here are some of my favorite jokes and funnies.
None of these will contain any
strong coarse language or "adult" content.
Enjoy!
Although I don't charge a fee for my wallpapers or screensavers, my web-site hosting charges and all the software I use are expensive. If you like what you see, I would be so appreciative of any donations to help me offset some of the costs of creating my wallpapers and maintaining my web-site. Donations are absolutely not required, but would be appreciated very much, Thank you!
Web Page
Design By Mary
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Dating In 1959
It's the summer of 1959 and Harold goes to pick up
his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with
his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes
to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites
him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why
don't you have a seat?" she says. Peggy Sue's
mother
asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably
just
go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids
go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold
and he says "Wha...aaat?" Yeah," says Peggy
Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really
likes
to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately,
he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs
in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes,
and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his
date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have
a
good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom!
The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
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My
Living Will
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
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You Wanna Know Why I'm Upset?
a) You left me alone too long today?
b) You had the NERVE to wear the socks I chew on?
c) Whad'ya mean I CAN'T pee on the floor?
d) And just why CAN'T I hump the cat??
e) You're going to do WHAT with my manhood??!
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A Mom's Wisdom
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and
run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200
adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
the motor is not strong enough to rotate
a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied
to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four
walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when
the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"uh oh",; it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,
and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old can start a fire with
a flint rock even though a 36-year old man
says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive
tract of a 4-year old.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be
used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches
even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably do not want to know what
that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on;
plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has
a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine
does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First
grade-true story: One day the first grade
teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came
to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home. She read, "...And so
the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused, then asked the class,
"...And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said 'Holy crap! A talking pig!" The
teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing
the Clorox and brake fluid.
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The Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage
that read $ 50.00 "Why so little," she asked the
pet store owner. The owner said, "Look, I
should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a house of prostitution and sometimes
says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided she
had to have the bird anyway. She took
it home and hung the bird's cage up in
her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at
her, and said; "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but
then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two
teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said; "New house, new madam, new hookers."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments
later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home
from work. The bird looked at him and said;
"Hi Keith."
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Son-In-Law's Revenge
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her
face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't
use any skin on her body to graft onto her face
for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her
husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery.
She had the surgery and was as beautiful after
as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV
when
she broke down crying.
What's the matter?" her husband asked. She said
"I can't believe you did this for me." Her husband
hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love
you, and I'd do anything for you." But how
will I ever repay you?" she asked. With which he replied,
"You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the
satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss
you on the cheek."
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An Ex-Wife's Revenge
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife
for his young secretary. His new girlfriend
demanded that she wanted to live in the
couple's multi-million dollar home, and since
the man's lawyers were a little better, he
prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to
move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had
the movers come and collect her things. On the
third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candlelight,
put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten
shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all
was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning
&mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators
were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move. A month later, even though they had
cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer
for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually
,even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from
the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex -wife called the man, and asked how things
were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell
was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what
the house had been worth...But only if she were
to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and
within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood
smirking as they watched the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home...
including the curtain rods.......hahaha
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Irish Fellows
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and
asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course!"
comes the reply. The first man then asks "Where are you
from?". "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds "You don't say? I'm from Ireland,
too! Let's have another round to Ireland!" "Of course!"
replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are
you from?" "Dublin" comes the reply. "I can't believe it!" says
the first man, "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have
another drink to Dublin!" They both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks "What
school did you go to?" "St. Mary's" replied the second
man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the
first man says, "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and
sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the
bartender. "Nothing much" replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins
are drunk again....."
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Sucker
A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really
cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over
and asks him what he's drinking. "Magic beer" he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy so she walks around the bar.
After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to,
she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and
says "That isn't really magic beer is it?" "Yes, I'll show you".
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the
window. The lady can't believe it. "I bet you can't
do that again" she says. He takes another drink
of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a
magic beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give
her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes
a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets
thirty stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says "You
know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"
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BBQ Definition
Now this sounds all too familiar
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain
of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it
to the man,
who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
utensils.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beer while
he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to
the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women!
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Pregnancy Q & A
Q) Should I have a baby after 35?
A) No, 35 children is enough.
Q) I'm 2 months pregnant now, when will my baby move?
A) With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q) What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A) Childbirth
Q) My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A) So what's your question?
Q) My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor but pressure, is she right?
A) Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q) When is the best time to get an epidural?
A) Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q) Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labor?
A) Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q) Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A) Yes, pregnancy
Q) Do I have to have a baby shower?
A) Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q) Our baby was born last week, when will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A) When the kids are in college.
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"Quick" Funnies
1) Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage and values.
Stu said "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?
Leroy replied "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
2) A little boy went up to his father and asked "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well son, you must
have gotten it from your mother because I still have mine."
3) "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully" the
Divorce Court Judge said. "And I've decided to give your
wife a week" "That's very fair your honor" the husband
said, "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."
4) A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all". "Me neither doc" said
the husband "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
5) An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
6) Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
(a) All the DNA is the same
(b) There are no dental records
7) Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf
gun" the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
8) This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the
best of him, so he walks over and asks "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies "Well, you could start
by buying me a drink."
9) Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion"
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
10) A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how
he is feeling. "I'm okay, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor
used in surgery" he answered. "What did he say?" asked the
nurse. "OOPS!"
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Forgotten Anniversary
A
husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
(Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.)
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